So, every year me and New Year's Resolutions have it out. I can't lie; I think it's more of an amusement to me to read other people's resolutions than it should be. I know most of you are lying. Some of you don't know you're lying, but I do, and that's cool too. So before I go any deeper into this, I just want to tell you, if I end up attacking your new year's resoultions, it's not because I sought you out intentionally or even know you personally, unless otherwise indicated. I also want you to know my corny sayings for 2009 are branded; I will sue, or expect to be compensated for use. Finally, you know how I am. I say what needs to be said, etc. As Heath Ledger is now famous for saying "Why so serious?"

So, first I'm going to start with some of the crappy resolutions and sayings that are found all over sites like facebook and myspace. Again, if you think I'm talking about you, I'm not, specifically. It's just you are just like everybody else on facebook. So...

1. No haters/ Not going to let the haters get me down type resolutions--Okay, so the problem I have with this one is best illustrate by my man (I think I have his blog name picked out, but am taking suggestions): Everyone cannot have haters. Really. If you think about it, to be hated on, you have to have something that other people want. I.E., if you are struggling to pay bills, can't keep a man, can't buy an A in school, leave at home with your mother and you're thirty, always borrowing money, haven't figured out you are not as cute as you are in your mind, or just plain "can't get right," you do NOT have haters. You have sympathizers. You have empathizers. You have people who may want to be your Life coach or Made coach. But you don't have haters. Secondly, if for the sake of argument you do have haters, there's no way to rid yourself of haters but to be less hateable. So if you really want to get rid of your haters in 2009, be the person no one else wants to be. If not, haters are your cross to bear, so grin while you are doing so, just to keep the haters mad.

2. About mine in '09--I don't say this to be facetious or sarcastic by any means, but, sweetie, what were you about in 2008? *Serious face* Where you all about some man? Getting drunk and taking half naked facebook pictures? Showing the whole club your neon colored panties? Sleeping with randoms? Skipping classes? Avoiding the gym? Avoiding a job or an education? Dodging bill collectors? Seriously, what were you doing all year long if you weren't about you? That's like saying King Lear is a play about King Lear... As my man loves to say "I consider that to be implied by the fact it's titled King Lear." I need you to do a little bit better than saying you are finally acknowledging you are the only one who can really go about being you the right way. That's not a resolution, it's a realization. I'm glad you made it, but it's a given now. I need you to do a bit more.

3. "I'm leaving some folks behind"/"cutting some people out of my life"--Why do we need this grand announcement? Honestly, if you really want to get some people out of your life, why is their first clue they haven't talked to you on facebook in a while? Shouldn't it be you...I don't know...saying "This relationship has ceased to be productive. I'm out?" Facebook makes us lazy friends anyway. If you not talking to me on facebook can kill the friendship or acquaintance, it's not really a friendship or acquaintance. It's a tally on facebook of how popular I like to think I am. Maybe there are some people you need to leave behind and get rid of. We outgrow people all the time. But why wait til midnight? Call that dead weight now and tell her you are tired of paying her way, listening to her problems, giving her your dresses to wear, whatever, and your life is moving on. Don't be bashful. Just say what needs to be said. Don't forewarn me. This is not a reality TV show elimination.

4. Leave Drama Behind in 09--If you are the cause or the center of the drama, I'm sorry, but drama will be in your 09. Drama is like the Field of Dreams: if you build it, they will come. If you are the one who gets things started, and you are still running your mouth...there will be drama. If you are the one who does things that cause drama, like stealing men, talking about people behind their back, spreading rumors, etc... there will be drama. Don't lie; you like the drama. You really want to throw people off your scent, keep them from figuring out you ARE drama. If you really want to leave drama behind, you have to realize it's not a dog. You can't just say "stay" and it stays. You have to address whatever it is about you that is attracting drama. Notice I did not say change, necessarily, just address. Consider. Figure out how to de-dramatize your life. Maybe you need to "cut some people out of your life," apologize to some people, try to empathize or sympathize instead of criticize. Get your life together, and drama will not fit.

5.On my Grind in 09/My time to shine in 09--referring back to number 2, what were you on before? Now, wait, for some people, it is legitimately their time to shine in 09. If you spent 2008 "on your grind" and the labor you put in bears fruit in 09, by all means, enjoy that. But I don't want to hear about on the grind in 09. People are supposed to be on their grind anyway. That is what you do all the time. Try to better yourself, achieve greater things, be in a better position than you were last year. "Grinding" is a given. Shining?--Only if you genuinely will be, please. No pretenders to the throne. Please and thank you.

Next, my thou shalt nots for 09 (notice, I said mine, not yours)

1. If thou findest thyself single (which, hopefully I won't, but let's be prepared), thou shalt not go to the club for any reason other than to be out with friends and have a good time. I find that if I get all dressed up, do the hair and makeup, put on the heels, and really turn myself out and all I meet are losers, I feel cheated. I do. But I shouldn't. You don't go to a club to meet a doctor, a lawyer...a man with some sense and some decency. Or, if you do, he didn't come to meet you, the good girl who he can't get drunk, grind on, or take home. So, I promise that should I find myself fishing in the dating pool, I will stick to waters that have fish I want to catch. Every good fisherman knows before he gets to his fishing hole what kinds of fish he wants to catch and what bait to use.

2. Thou shalt not cripple to be cute. I went to the Blue and White Ball this year, and there were all of these beautiful women turned out in all of their finery. And as we were leaving, we weren't talking about the good time we had, or standing around making plans, we were holding on to boyfriends and each other, hobbling, because we had pushed our feet back into those torture devices they call heels. "Girl my feet are killin'" I promise myself, particularly my feet, that there will at least be flip flops in my handbag for just such an emergency.

3. Thou shalt not dismiss "the other white meat." If I do find myself single again (back on the prowl...sorry, had a moment), then I will not limit myself to any nationality of man. I will be all equal opportunity. LOL.

I do have some real resolutions though. But I won't share until you do. As always, feel free to comment. Love you all and have a happy new year!

I've been trying for weeks now to get back to writing things down--what's been happening with me as far as the apartment, my boyfriend, working, life in general--but I've been either too busy or too tired to bother with it all. Consequently, I have a laundry list of things I want to tellyou about my life, as well as random things I want to comment on that I've heard/seen/noticed lately. So, where do I begin? Well, in the spirit of being trivial, let's start with something I heard.'

After some initial trauma over the XM/Sirius merger, I have adjusted. My new favorite channel is Cosmo Radio. I listen to Wake up with Taylor every morning Monday through Friday going to work. I get in my car as close to 7am as possible just to catch all "7 things You Need to Know Before You Go." I scream in my car at the "No He Didn't's." The topics are so good. Then there's 5pm Cocktails with Patrick, we'll come back to him, because what I heard on Wake up with Taylor jumped over everything else I wanted to talk about. Somewhere in New Jersey, a guy named Heath Campbell goes into a ShopSmart (where are theses stores other than NJ?) and tries to order a cake with his son's full name on it and they refuse. Why? Because his son's name is Adolph Hitler Campbell.

What?! But before you freak about Adolph and the satiska he previously requested, before you say this just isn't blatantly racist enough, his daughter's name (yes, he is still reproducing) is Joycelynn Aryan Nation Campbell--...moment of silence please...

First of all, what mother in her right mind would ever agree to name her children this way? Apple Martin (on step away from Apple Martini, mind you), Pilot Inspector, Denim and Story are bad choices, but Adolph Hitler and Aryan Nation? Secondly, why is this even legal to do. This is way beyond having your three year old on Jerry Springer giving the Hitler salute and squealing white power. I say both are child abuse. People learn to hate without prodding and provocation. Why do this to children? Is nothing sacred? Why set your children up to be victimized, beat up, picked on and withdrawn from? Childhood is hard enough. I am still trying to decide whether this is worse than my cousin, little Edi Amin (yes, pronounce Idi Amin, like the African dictator played by Forrest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland)...Hmm...I'm going to say it's a tie.

To switch gears from news to music, has anyone heard the T-Pain, Lil Kim monstrosity that samples "Computer Love"? Why anyone would willingly give him permission to sample this song for this purpose is beyond me. I knew since he uses the vocorder, or however you say it, he would get around to sample the greatest one to ever do that, but to do so on a song with rhymes about Myspace, top eight, and Lil Kim doing freaky stuff for you on webcam? Again, I say, is nothing even remotely sacred?!

Speaking of music, one song is vastly appropriate for my friends right now. All the Single Ladies. This is what I call them in my head, all the single ladies. Mind you, some of them are happy singles, as I once was (before my boyfriend, who needs a cool nickname for blogging, so I've decided...but I'll come back to that), but some of them are a little bitter. Why? Honestly, the bitterness just prolongs singleness, trust me. When all you want is a man, it's the last thing you get. Once I was happy with being single and began doing things with my life (aka, stopped looking) I found one. Then I had to stop looking for him to be perfect. Go outside of your prereqs sometimes (not the important ones, but does he have to be 6'5" and you're only 5'3"? Does he have to have Indian in his family, or be the color of Special Dark Chocolate?) Of course, SOMEBODY is going to say I'm being insensitive to my single friends, but I was the single friend for...22 YEARS...you all have been single 2 years or less. I remember those days, but don't be bitter. Be glad you can do whatever you want without having to tell a man anything, consider what he may want to do, wonder if you can still do this with a guy friend if you have a man, etc.

What else can I randomly talk about? I will save, Pete Weintz's rude comments, Bad Girls Club, DaddyGate, the whole marriage kit and caboodle, and the Real Housewives of Atlanta for another random entry...which you hopefully will be reading and just share how sad I think it is that people have had to install security cameras and put lo-jack on baby Jesus and their nativity scenes. People are stealing baby Jesus statues at Christmas time. Is Hell even just a little bit hotter for people who put Satanic symbols on baby Jesus, who leave him facedown on their bedroom floors after they steal him from a neighbor? Not to mention they now make Santa Claus vibrators and Mexican Playboy a Virgin Mary look alike on their December issue holding, not baby Jesus, but her boobs. Seriously?

I guess there really isn't anything sacred anymore. Not baby Jesus, baby names, Santa Claus, Roger Troutman, or singleness. But there sure is a whole lot that is ghetto...but that is the next entry.