So far, things have been very up and down for me. To top off the loss of a job, I am also dealing with the loss of an apartment. Alas, my apartment complex has been bought out by a different company, and that company is putting me out two days after Christmas. Yes, that's right, two days after Christmas. So I am now looking for a job and a place to stay.

Luckily for me, I am also looking at two job prospects. Two jobs have contacted me and I have begun the process for their jobs. I interviewed, tested, and gave two references to the first job yesterday (and both of those references have been received by them). The second job that I applied for I gave references for today (and so far, two of the four have told me they were contacted by that company and gave their references. So we are moving right along in the job market. I am impressed. It took me months to get interviews before, and then only to be rejected by everyone but the bank I finally worked for. Now, within 9 days I have had one interview and one I am very close to interviewing for.

But of course, after my interview I get home to a lease termination notice. As I said, up and down. But I have a wonderful wealth of people to call on for references and sources for leads on jobs and apartments.

I found an apartment today that would be perfect; in fact, if I had went there first, I would have been staying there. The only problem is I don't have the job in place yet. I have pay stubs from my first job, but no employment verification. So I am really hoping to get called back and soon...rent is still due, and I need to know what I can possibly do to not end up paying rent to two places at once while still getting out of the old apartment as quickly as possible. To top it all off, I have to get a new license, because I just changed my address to this one less than two weeks ago....are you serious?!

But I believe that God is going to see me through all of this just fine. I think that some houses are meant to be blown down, and my previous house was. It's time for me to build a better one on a better foundation. On a job I like, rather than one I settled for. In an apartment I like, and not one I panicked and took because I could afford it. I need to build a life I want to live, and not one that is comfortingly safe and thoroughly boring. And I know I wouldn't have if I'd had a choice.

I've been applying to jobs all day long and I've been remembering exactly why it is that I was so happy to finally find a job, any job, in Orlando. Searching for jobs, applying for jobs, waiting to hear back about jobs--it's all so stressful and life-altering. The feelings of fear, will I get called about this position or rejected out of hand? The rejection is the worse. In every area of my life, rejection is my biggest fear. What's at the base of that feeling? Well, I can't honestly say. The main thing I remember though is the gift thing, which may not have anything to do with it at all.

So, to the gifts. When I was younger, I got gifts from my father for my birthday and christmas all the time. My father was never in the same state as me. He was in Florida, or Tennessee, or California, or wherever, I didn't really know, but I did know that wherever he was, he was thinking about me. One of my favorite gifts was this copy machine thing. I don't know if any of you will remember these things, but they were very popular. The simpler one was a then grey sheet you wrote on with a little stencil, then pulled it up to erase. The one I got was more sophisticated. You put paper into it, drew on it, then pressed a button to copy your drawing or message onto the paper.

I enjoyed the gifts that other people would give me, but I absolutely revelled in the gifts that my father got me. Maybe it was because he wasn't there, or simply because he was my daddy, but I loved them. Looking under the tree or across a table full of gifts, I could never decide whether I should open his first, save them for last, or open one every other gift.

Then when I was maybe 10 or 11, I got a little from my father. It was pretty much about some issues he had had in his life with drugs and making bad decisions. It had, of course, nothing to do with gifts. It was simply to explain why he hadn't really been involved in my life as much as he could/should have. The thing is, I had, at that point, no idea that he wasn't that involved in my life. True, I didn't see him, but I had gotten all these gifts. Or had I?

It really sunk in when hebegan visiting me afterwards. The gifts he would bring me were so...different than they were before. I liked them, mostly because they came from him, but they weren't great gifts as the others had been. And the clothes he picked out for me...it was very clear that he hadn't been responsible for the gifts I'd received before. I did later learn where they came from, but I never forgot the moment of realization that he hadn't gotten them, hadn't, most likely, been thinking about me in that time at all.

It didn't get much better afterwards. He has always seemed to be much more concerned with what I am not doing "right" than what I am. He will commit about my hair not looking neat enough, or I look like I'm getting fat. When I confronted him about it, his approach is to just avoid saying anything about it at all. He has never asked why it bothers me, so he most likely doesn't know that it feels like rejection.

All of this is way off topic from looking for a job, but it was on my mind.

I am having a problem with my boyfriend going places without me that I shouldn't be having, which precipitated most of this. The real reason that it bothers me is because of another issue, that I don't want to share (funny, since I've shared everything else but the state of the kitchen sink). Maybe at another time I'll feel like sharing, but at the moment not.

All this looking for a job is just a reflection of everything else in my life. Have I really given it my best? Have I really taken the best for myself, or just whatever comes along first? Do I think I deserve better?

So many questions, and nothing but time to think about them at the moment.

I know what you're thinking...wow, two posts in one week after so long of a silence! There's a few reasons though, and none too good, I should say. The first reason is simply because I didn't have time to finish bringing you up to speed on what has been happening in my life. I will do that first before I explain the other reason. So, where was I? Ah, work wasn't going so well. The last thing about work that wasn't going so well was coworkers. You know how there are some people who openly don't like you or anything about you, who let you know up front? Those are not the people who work at the bank. They are more underhanded with their dislike. The things they say to you may be perfectly fine, but the way they say them is often sarcastic and/or meant to put you in your place. A lot of it is passed off as joking, but I am twenty-three people: I know a mean-spirited comment from an honest joke.

There are other happier changes in my life. Well, most of the time. I have a boyfriend. We have been together about ten months, and he is wonderful. There are a few issues but nothing too serious. We talk to each other, laugh and joke with each other, go to church together, go out and do things like go to CityWalk Universal or the movies or nice clubs, or other events. He likes the pudge on my stomach. He walks with me around Lake Eola Sunday afternoons and watches Bridezillas with me Sunday nights. He worries about me when he doesn't hear from me. He watches me sleep when I doze on his couch as he does his MBA homework. He buys me caramel drenched ice cream. I love laying my head on his chest and listening to his strong, rhythmic heartbeat. I love hearing his deep voice rumble in his chest, how his chest vibrates against the side of my face. I like how he strokes my hair as I lay with him on his floor watching the news.

I could go through the whole long story now of how we met and the progression of the relationship, but right now I am not in the right frame of mind.

I have my own apartment...so far, nothing's in my living room, but still, I am the only one staying here (and consequentially, the only one paying bills here. There is still a lot to do to get the apartment in good working order, but I have time.

Which brings me to the other reason for this second entry in two days. I was "let go" yesterday. There, I said it. You're the first to know. Lucky you! I told you it wasn't working out very well. Well, the day before yesterday was the last straw as far as the leaving money out thing. To be honest, I knew that day, Monday, that I wouldn't have a job anymore, but instead of calling me in at the end of business Monday, she waited until the end of business Tuesday to do so. At first I was a little upset with her over that, because she and I both knew on Monday around 4 that I wouldn't be staying on, so why hold the ax over my head for another day? However, I am glad know, because that's another 8 hours on my last check that I wouldn't have had otherwise, and I really will need it.

The leaving part was really hard, not because I'd formed lifelong bonds with my coworkers (most of them I won't ever miss), but because when you leave a bank job they treat you like a criminal, whether you are one or not. I have never been let go before, but I've seen it happen in movies and things, and usually the boss calls you in, fires you, and you go back to your cubicle, throw the wife and kids' pictures and the plant in a cardboard box and head out. Well, in a bank, they take your keys (I had a million keys for everything), lock all your drawers with the money inside, watch you clean your belongings out of your area, get your combinations from you, and everything but walk you to the door.

My ex-boss tells me to call her if I need anything, including a recommendation. Who gets recommendations from people that fire them? Can you trust them to give you a good recommendation? I don't. Although, it would save me telling my aunt to write me one and hearing her I told you so's and you should come and work at the group home agains. She also says that she will tell everyone that I am no longer continuing with the company because I decided "to pursue other interests." Doesn't everyone know that's code for "she was fired"? And even if they don't, wouldn't the fact you escorted me around my station like I had stolen money alert them?

If I had been fired at the end of the week, I would at least have gotten a full paycheck plus my measly 15 vacation hours. Because I didn't, I will most likely be in the hole for the month unless by some miracle money lands in my lap from an as yet unknown source. That doesn't give me much time to find a job (in a horrible market), even if I do manage to get all my November bills paid. What's an almost grown woman to do?

Did I mention because of budget cuts, the job I was offered at the group home is absolutely unfeasible? It was a better job offer to begin with, except without the possibility of medical benefits and holiday pay, but now it is not economically feasible for them, really. And even if it was, I can't move because I signed a lease til next July. Not to mention relocating two hours away could kill a relationship that already survived long distance for an extended period once.

I am all alone in Orlando, save my boyfriend, and have no idea what to do next, except update the resume I never took down from all the job sites and pray.

I've been a bad, bad girl...I know that it has been a long time since I have written, but life has moved at an amazing pace for me. At this very moment, I am actually sitting at my desk at work as I write. That's correct, not at school or in the group home or at the department store, but at my desk, which happens to be located in a bank. I graduated August 2nd, 2008. I started working at the bank on the 11th. So far, I don't think I'm very good at it. The main problems that I have are the same problems that I've had my entire life. The first one is that I am very trusting. At least that is how my boyfriend puts it (we will get to him later). In fact, it actually means I leave things out everywhere in the belief it will be exactly where I left it. Not a good trait in a banker. I've been warned about leaving money around a few times already, as well as leaving out the "work". "Work" is the deposits and withdrawalI am also one of those people who has trouble getting up and out of the house on time in the mornings. So far I've only been warned about that once.