It's taken me a while to figure out what to do with this blog, now that I have grown up (I didn't want to, only, I just turned 25. While there are many a thing that I still haven't done that I think would officially make me "grown," I've covered enough of the biggies to be considered such by most of society). But, as I'm still having misadventures and struggles with this whole "adulthood" thing, I see no reason not to continue on.

I have encountered many new adult struggles since I last updated--the loss of my stepfather, getting hired as a permanent employee on my job, the first car accident I was in where I was driving and the car was mine, student loan bills, overdraft fees, relationship woes and the love rollercoaster, conflicts with my aunt, an ill aunt, exercising, and so much more.

At the moment, I am sitting in my apartment in a slothfulness that has to end. My entire apartment needs cleaning. I also need to get my printer set up and start writing again. I have bills to pay and things to buy, but I'm not very motivated. It's not my intention to be deep at the moment but to be real--sorry.

My lack of motivation may come from my lack of happiness. I know that one shouldn't be put off by things not going according to plan, that you have to go through some things to get to the really worthwhile things in life, that all that will live godly must suffer persecution, but some days the practical and spiritual reasons just don't work. I want an Oasis in the desert sometimes; how else am I supposed to keep my moral up?

Take my job for instance. I was hired on as a permanent employee in June of last year, after working for seven months as a temporary employee. I was hired into one department in which, it seemed to me, I would have a pretty defined career path. I finally finished the project I had been hired as a temporary employee to do, and they sent me to another department, basically to do the same project there. This was around the beginning of October; I haven't been in my department since. Never mind trying to advance--I have to get back to the job/role they hired me for, and learn it, and do it, before I could ever think to move up and make more money. The only problem is, I may go to another department after this one to do THE SAME JOB. Another lateral move, one from which I cannot move up, because that's not my department.

Today (March 19th, in case I don't finish posting until tomorrow), has been a very bad day. My stepfather died a year ago today, and my mother called me yesterday to tell me that one of my aunt's was rushed to the hospital. They thought it was a stroke or a brain aneurysm, they couldn't tell. Apparently, she was getting up to call my mom to wish her a happy birthday. It was a blood clot in her brain. Her brain had swelled. they were sedating her, waiting for the swelling to go down before they could remove it, when I last got a call from home. When my mother asked me what I was doing, I flashed back to last year and getting the phone call, then around 6 or 7 on a Thursday, that my stepfather had passed away.

My mother and I share a characteristic that most people don't recognize immediately. My mother looks rather hard and mean, intimidating--or so I've been told. In certain situations, my mother can be those things. But my mother is really a sensitive person. People look at me and think I am always happy, that nothing ever gets me down, that I'm always smiling. I'm not; I have fat cheeks and sparkly eyes, a high voice and a generally good disposition, but mostly it's outside effects. Sometimes things irritate me, anger me, sadden me--I just don't really have all the bells and whistles to show it, which makes it difficult for people to take me seriously or to believe that I empathise with their pain and struggle; they think I'm laughing at them sometimes. It's not very fun (or funny) not to be taken seriously (ask the boy who cried wolf).

My mother's voice is that way. When she called me a year ago, she tried to inject some grave seriousness in her voice, but to an untrained ear, she sounded like a gossipy, nosy busybody passing on a good piece of "you won't believe what I heard." She has a very conversational tone that makes the bad news hit you doubly hard because you really weren't expecting it. The only indication will be that she may speak faster and a bit more clipped when she asks what you are doing, but she also does that when she has some gossip or "news" she wants to pass along, you know, to get the pleasantries out of the way.

I was hoping for better news about my aunt, but I have no idea what news would be better--would a stroke have been better? Don't know. Meanwhile, all of this reminded me I need to make my own doctor's appointments. I looked up aneurysm for this post, and now I'm convinced I have an unruptured one. That's why I hate looking things up online, you always have some of the symptoms--ugh. I've been having a few minor maladies, but I haven't had a physical in years and haven't ever been to the gynecologist, so it's more than time I went in.

That's enough grown woman things for right now. I'll talk body and boys another day.

I am at work and it is time for my Bible reading, so just a quick note for now. This week--sucking greatly.What between the headaches, the not having a phone, the late rent, the, well, everything, it has been one crappy week, and it's only Wednesday. Pray for me that this week gets better.

It is a very sad day when you really start to realize how tenuous your grip on the ends really is, when trying to make ends meet is just too much work. Sometimes I wonder if it will always be like this for me, why it's like this for me.

Well, no more lamenting. Yesterday I read Psalms 73, and it picked my spirits right up. Even when it seems like nothing ever happens to those who aren't living right and it all happens to you, there is an equalizer, and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. Amen!

More later.

It has been my usual habit lately to write here and then repost the piece on one of my more widely read writing outlets, mostly to get comments on them. But this one I don't think I will repost, because I don't necessarily want the opinions of those who know me, think they know me, have me as a friend on facebook, or are just nosy when they see I tagged their friend on a news feed. Nothing against any of those people, and I thank them for their commentary, it makes life interesting, but there are some things for which you don't need a familiar audience.

Things are not as easy for me as I thought they would be. Very general, and very true generally speaking. I did not graduate into a world, an economy that made it easy for someone like me, used to having these marvelous opportunities fall into my lap. It had taken so much out of me just to graduate, I thought that I would then have the opportunities that graduation provided handed to me. I dropped the ball on my first post-graduation job. There are so many reasons that I could give as to what happened there, but the reality is I failed miserably. I chose the wrong place to live and ended up having to move anyway. Was nearly homeless and jobless and did not want to have to move back in with my aunt, into the pre-determined world my aunt provided. I only told my mother, my boyfriend, and a few choice church members that I wasn't at that job anymore. It was horrible.

I am doing well at my new job. I spoke to my "boss" yesterday. Here's the whole situation in a brief moment. I am working for a temp agency and this is my first assignment. I was hoping they would find me a fulltime position, but this position came up first and I really needed the money. The thing is, all the regular employees I've spoken to started out as temps like me, through the same temp agency, so I started thinking, "maybe this will be permanent. My boss really likes my work. I don't do much. I do backfile scanning and I do the QA for the work I scan in. He asked me if I liked the job once and said he really liked my work and had spoken to HR about me, but I heard nothing else about it. Yesterday, as he was signing my timecard, he asked me again. He circled my hours. I can only imagine because there are a certain amount of hours you work for a company with my agency before you can convert someone to a regular employee with your company without paying a conversion fee. Anyway, I said I did like working there. I do. The people are nice. I get to work in a cubicle with my headphones on. I don't have to deal with irate customers. I work at my own pace. It's ideal for me right now. I'm not ready to be the team leader, the standout, just yet. I am working on being responsible for a little, then being rewarded with more opportunity. I am actually excited about working for what I get. Imagine that! Anyway, as my 1-2 months is approaching a close and there is still obviously more work to do beyond that, I guess he was wondering if I would stay on. They were supposed to hire someone else to work with me, but they decided against that. Don't know why. Anyway, he said that my liking the job was good because there was obviously a lot more work to do, and other departments also wanted me to help them out, doing the same kind of thing. He was very pleased with my work and would let the agency know. I am leaving my mark!

Now, to the boyfriend. This relationship thing is harder than I thought. He is now about to start his last week of his master's degree, and I am now thinking about what that means. For one he will have more time, and, I think, will get more restless with our relationship. My biggest fear is that he wants me more because he should, because I am what he thinks he should want. Maybe even that I am what he thinks he needs, but not what he wants. He, I think, will get bored with me, because he thinks I am not...well, fun, really. He feels like we are already married, i.e. boring. He wants to go out to the club and dance and drink. I can't dance and I hate the way alcohol tastes. More importantly, I always have to be in control of myself and hate the thought of being drunk. I used to see my mother drunk and be worried about her, and I'm sure that has more bearing on the decision to not drink than anything else. Life is not all about partying, and especially not for someone like him, but I wonder. I sometimes feel like if I could just tell him that something was wrong with me, wasn't perfect about me, it would make him feel better about me. I don't know if that's because he feels like that would make me more human to him or not, but I don't know how to shake the feeling. I find myself not growing closer to him, but more detached, like I am preparing myself for an inevitable breakup, for whatever reason.

So you see, these aren't the kinds of things you want to put to people who know you. They will ply you with platitudes, try to assure you he doesn't feel that way, tell me I could do better, whatever. I am not in the mood for reinforcement, validation, denial. I just kinda want to feel.

So, every year me and New Year's Resolutions have it out. I can't lie; I think it's more of an amusement to me to read other people's resolutions than it should be. I know most of you are lying. Some of you don't know you're lying, but I do, and that's cool too. So before I go any deeper into this, I just want to tell you, if I end up attacking your new year's resoultions, it's not because I sought you out intentionally or even know you personally, unless otherwise indicated. I also want you to know my corny sayings for 2009 are branded; I will sue, or expect to be compensated for use. Finally, you know how I am. I say what needs to be said, etc. As Heath Ledger is now famous for saying "Why so serious?"

So, first I'm going to start with some of the crappy resolutions and sayings that are found all over sites like facebook and myspace. Again, if you think I'm talking about you, I'm not, specifically. It's just you are just like everybody else on facebook. So...

1. No haters/ Not going to let the haters get me down type resolutions--Okay, so the problem I have with this one is best illustrate by my man (I think I have his blog name picked out, but am taking suggestions): Everyone cannot have haters. Really. If you think about it, to be hated on, you have to have something that other people want. I.E., if you are struggling to pay bills, can't keep a man, can't buy an A in school, leave at home with your mother and you're thirty, always borrowing money, haven't figured out you are not as cute as you are in your mind, or just plain "can't get right," you do NOT have haters. You have sympathizers. You have empathizers. You have people who may want to be your Life coach or Made coach. But you don't have haters. Secondly, if for the sake of argument you do have haters, there's no way to rid yourself of haters but to be less hateable. So if you really want to get rid of your haters in 2009, be the person no one else wants to be. If not, haters are your cross to bear, so grin while you are doing so, just to keep the haters mad.

2. About mine in '09--I don't say this to be facetious or sarcastic by any means, but, sweetie, what were you about in 2008? *Serious face* Where you all about some man? Getting drunk and taking half naked facebook pictures? Showing the whole club your neon colored panties? Sleeping with randoms? Skipping classes? Avoiding the gym? Avoiding a job or an education? Dodging bill collectors? Seriously, what were you doing all year long if you weren't about you? That's like saying King Lear is a play about King Lear... As my man loves to say "I consider that to be implied by the fact it's titled King Lear." I need you to do a little bit better than saying you are finally acknowledging you are the only one who can really go about being you the right way. That's not a resolution, it's a realization. I'm glad you made it, but it's a given now. I need you to do a bit more.

3. "I'm leaving some folks behind"/"cutting some people out of my life"--Why do we need this grand announcement? Honestly, if you really want to get some people out of your life, why is their first clue they haven't talked to you on facebook in a while? Shouldn't it be you...I don't know...saying "This relationship has ceased to be productive. I'm out?" Facebook makes us lazy friends anyway. If you not talking to me on facebook can kill the friendship or acquaintance, it's not really a friendship or acquaintance. It's a tally on facebook of how popular I like to think I am. Maybe there are some people you need to leave behind and get rid of. We outgrow people all the time. But why wait til midnight? Call that dead weight now and tell her you are tired of paying her way, listening to her problems, giving her your dresses to wear, whatever, and your life is moving on. Don't be bashful. Just say what needs to be said. Don't forewarn me. This is not a reality TV show elimination.

4. Leave Drama Behind in 09--If you are the cause or the center of the drama, I'm sorry, but drama will be in your 09. Drama is like the Field of Dreams: if you build it, they will come. If you are the one who gets things started, and you are still running your mouth...there will be drama. If you are the one who does things that cause drama, like stealing men, talking about people behind their back, spreading rumors, etc... there will be drama. Don't lie; you like the drama. You really want to throw people off your scent, keep them from figuring out you ARE drama. If you really want to leave drama behind, you have to realize it's not a dog. You can't just say "stay" and it stays. You have to address whatever it is about you that is attracting drama. Notice I did not say change, necessarily, just address. Consider. Figure out how to de-dramatize your life. Maybe you need to "cut some people out of your life," apologize to some people, try to empathize or sympathize instead of criticize. Get your life together, and drama will not fit.

5.On my Grind in 09/My time to shine in 09--referring back to number 2, what were you on before? Now, wait, for some people, it is legitimately their time to shine in 09. If you spent 2008 "on your grind" and the labor you put in bears fruit in 09, by all means, enjoy that. But I don't want to hear about on the grind in 09. People are supposed to be on their grind anyway. That is what you do all the time. Try to better yourself, achieve greater things, be in a better position than you were last year. "Grinding" is a given. Shining?--Only if you genuinely will be, please. No pretenders to the throne. Please and thank you.

Next, my thou shalt nots for 09 (notice, I said mine, not yours)

1. If thou findest thyself single (which, hopefully I won't, but let's be prepared), thou shalt not go to the club for any reason other than to be out with friends and have a good time. I find that if I get all dressed up, do the hair and makeup, put on the heels, and really turn myself out and all I meet are losers, I feel cheated. I do. But I shouldn't. You don't go to a club to meet a doctor, a lawyer...a man with some sense and some decency. Or, if you do, he didn't come to meet you, the good girl who he can't get drunk, grind on, or take home. So, I promise that should I find myself fishing in the dating pool, I will stick to waters that have fish I want to catch. Every good fisherman knows before he gets to his fishing hole what kinds of fish he wants to catch and what bait to use.

2. Thou shalt not cripple to be cute. I went to the Blue and White Ball this year, and there were all of these beautiful women turned out in all of their finery. And as we were leaving, we weren't talking about the good time we had, or standing around making plans, we were holding on to boyfriends and each other, hobbling, because we had pushed our feet back into those torture devices they call heels. "Girl my feet are killin'" I promise myself, particularly my feet, that there will at least be flip flops in my handbag for just such an emergency.

3. Thou shalt not dismiss "the other white meat." If I do find myself single again (back on the prowl...sorry, had a moment), then I will not limit myself to any nationality of man. I will be all equal opportunity. LOL.

I do have some real resolutions though. But I won't share until you do. As always, feel free to comment. Love you all and have a happy new year!

I've been trying for weeks now to get back to writing things down--what's been happening with me as far as the apartment, my boyfriend, working, life in general--but I've been either too busy or too tired to bother with it all. Consequently, I have a laundry list of things I want to tellyou about my life, as well as random things I want to comment on that I've heard/seen/noticed lately. So, where do I begin? Well, in the spirit of being trivial, let's start with something I heard.'

After some initial trauma over the XM/Sirius merger, I have adjusted. My new favorite channel is Cosmo Radio. I listen to Wake up with Taylor every morning Monday through Friday going to work. I get in my car as close to 7am as possible just to catch all "7 things You Need to Know Before You Go." I scream in my car at the "No He Didn't's." The topics are so good. Then there's 5pm Cocktails with Patrick, we'll come back to him, because what I heard on Wake up with Taylor jumped over everything else I wanted to talk about. Somewhere in New Jersey, a guy named Heath Campbell goes into a ShopSmart (where are theses stores other than NJ?) and tries to order a cake with his son's full name on it and they refuse. Why? Because his son's name is Adolph Hitler Campbell.

What?! But before you freak about Adolph and the satiska he previously requested, before you say this just isn't blatantly racist enough, his daughter's name (yes, he is still reproducing) is Joycelynn Aryan Nation Campbell--...moment of silence please...

First of all, what mother in her right mind would ever agree to name her children this way? Apple Martin (on step away from Apple Martini, mind you), Pilot Inspector, Denim and Story are bad choices, but Adolph Hitler and Aryan Nation? Secondly, why is this even legal to do. This is way beyond having your three year old on Jerry Springer giving the Hitler salute and squealing white power. I say both are child abuse. People learn to hate without prodding and provocation. Why do this to children? Is nothing sacred? Why set your children up to be victimized, beat up, picked on and withdrawn from? Childhood is hard enough. I am still trying to decide whether this is worse than my cousin, little Edi Amin (yes, pronounce Idi Amin, like the African dictator played by Forrest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland)...Hmm...I'm going to say it's a tie.

To switch gears from news to music, has anyone heard the T-Pain, Lil Kim monstrosity that samples "Computer Love"? Why anyone would willingly give him permission to sample this song for this purpose is beyond me. I knew since he uses the vocorder, or however you say it, he would get around to sample the greatest one to ever do that, but to do so on a song with rhymes about Myspace, top eight, and Lil Kim doing freaky stuff for you on webcam? Again, I say, is nothing even remotely sacred?!

Speaking of music, one song is vastly appropriate for my friends right now. All the Single Ladies. This is what I call them in my head, all the single ladies. Mind you, some of them are happy singles, as I once was (before my boyfriend, who needs a cool nickname for blogging, so I've decided...but I'll come back to that), but some of them are a little bitter. Why? Honestly, the bitterness just prolongs singleness, trust me. When all you want is a man, it's the last thing you get. Once I was happy with being single and began doing things with my life (aka, stopped looking) I found one. Then I had to stop looking for him to be perfect. Go outside of your prereqs sometimes (not the important ones, but does he have to be 6'5" and you're only 5'3"? Does he have to have Indian in his family, or be the color of Special Dark Chocolate?) Of course, SOMEBODY is going to say I'm being insensitive to my single friends, but I was the single friend for...22 YEARS...you all have been single 2 years or less. I remember those days, but don't be bitter. Be glad you can do whatever you want without having to tell a man anything, consider what he may want to do, wonder if you can still do this with a guy friend if you have a man, etc.

What else can I randomly talk about? I will save, Pete Weintz's rude comments, Bad Girls Club, DaddyGate, the whole marriage kit and caboodle, and the Real Housewives of Atlanta for another random entry...which you hopefully will be reading and just share how sad I think it is that people have had to install security cameras and put lo-jack on baby Jesus and their nativity scenes. People are stealing baby Jesus statues at Christmas time. Is Hell even just a little bit hotter for people who put Satanic symbols on baby Jesus, who leave him facedown on their bedroom floors after they steal him from a neighbor? Not to mention they now make Santa Claus vibrators and Mexican Playboy a Virgin Mary look alike on their December issue holding, not baby Jesus, but her boobs. Seriously?

I guess there really isn't anything sacred anymore. Not baby Jesus, baby names, Santa Claus, Roger Troutman, or singleness. But there sure is a whole lot that is ghetto...but that is the next entry.

Real Love/ Real World Conversations

I've been having these real love and real world conversations with myself lately. My notions of both are being tested, not so much in the sense of being in school with someone quizzing you on how well you remember what you've been told and taught, but that I Peter 1:7 testing:

7That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

This"be[ing] tried," in my Hebrew-Greek Key Word Study Bible's Lexical Aids to the New Testament, is the word Dokimion, which is "the means of proving, a criterion, test by which anything is proved or tried,; for example, as faith is tested by afflictions.

What I'm trying to say is that my notions of what real love and the real world is are not being tested to see if I have picked up on the key terms or whether or not I can apply these abstract ideals to "real life situations." It is being implemented, practiced and being put to the test.

In my own mind, according to my own criteria, my boyfriend is the first real boyfriend I've ever had. I am sure there are a few brothers that would disagree, but too bad, so sad. In my mind, when I think of boyfriend or relationship, they never fit (on the principle that if you do not pass the test by which anything is proved, you are disproved). As a boyfriend, my boyfriend measures up to all of my important criteria at present. I like to think I measure up to his, given our talks. My only real question is what about the real love element.

Here's the issue I'm having with my real love notion. The difference between need and want. I am not of the belief that people fall in love, haven't been for a very long time. I ascribe to the notion that people fall into feelings they associate with love--whether that feeling be lust, gratitude, appreciation, hero-worship, and even perfect match syndrome (which I will get back to). I believe that actual love is a choice, one that is made more than once. I believe I choose to love you is a much more meaningful statement than I've fallen in love with you. What happens when someone has "lost that loving feeling?" (Don't you love my pertinent musical references)? Don't get me wrong; I believe you should be attracted to this person that you have chosen to love. There should be something in them that calls to something in you. Love is not a bloodless affair of the head by any means. I'm just always cognizant of the fact that it is always a choice, motivated by different things for different people, but it is a choice. Feel free to disagree.

What does this have to do with need and want? If love is a choice, it's also a want. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you. I want to see you do that annoying thing that I thought was cute even though I don't think it's cute anymore. Is it silly of me to be suspicious of need? Someone very analytically told me that this person they were seeing was everything that they needed. They go to church here, we feel the same about this, my family likes this person, we both have higher education, etc. All I could think was, But is this person what you want? I could be a perfect match for you on paper all day, but do you want me? Would you choose me?

Sometimes when people can't see themselves as married to someone, they think they have a problem with commitment, and this is a possibility. Maybe they haven't committed to choosing to love one person when there are so many other options out there. But maybe the problem isn't commitment itself. If you're wondering why this person who is perfect for you isn't inspiring the urge to marry within you, maybe it's because they have what you think you need and not what you really want.

In my own notions of real love, I like safety. I never fall asleep in moving vehicles or planes. I hate waking up somewhere other than where I fell asleep, and I feel like by being awake I can prevent a crash. I know it's silly, as I am not driving or piloting, but I do. So if I fall asleep around you, it's a good indication I feel safe with you. The best, in fact. I like it when I can annoy you and you don't disconnect. I would like for you to want me and to choose me, not because I'm what you should want, but what you actually do want. I want to know what you want.

Yesterday, my minister outlined 4 pairings that are involved in loving God which I think apply to all loving relationships.

Loving God involves commitment and loyalty; trust and respect; giving and surrendering; knowing and sharing. Commitment is such tiny part of choosing to love anyone or anything. Do you feel loyal to me? Do you trust me? Respect me? Are you giving yourself to me? Do you want to know about me, and are you sharing yourself with me?

My perception of real love has expanded so much. Most of the notions I had before were formed out of non-romantic relationships and failed attempts at forging a romantic bond. Some of them, I admit, are wrong. Just as they fire gold to get the impurities, my notions of love have been tried by fire to burn the incorrect information away.

I meant to talk about the real world as well, but this is getting wordy. I will start another entry on that one!

So far, things have been very up and down for me. To top off the loss of a job, I am also dealing with the loss of an apartment. Alas, my apartment complex has been bought out by a different company, and that company is putting me out two days after Christmas. Yes, that's right, two days after Christmas. So I am now looking for a job and a place to stay.

Luckily for me, I am also looking at two job prospects. Two jobs have contacted me and I have begun the process for their jobs. I interviewed, tested, and gave two references to the first job yesterday (and both of those references have been received by them). The second job that I applied for I gave references for today (and so far, two of the four have told me they were contacted by that company and gave their references. So we are moving right along in the job market. I am impressed. It took me months to get interviews before, and then only to be rejected by everyone but the bank I finally worked for. Now, within 9 days I have had one interview and one I am very close to interviewing for.

But of course, after my interview I get home to a lease termination notice. As I said, up and down. But I have a wonderful wealth of people to call on for references and sources for leads on jobs and apartments.

I found an apartment today that would be perfect; in fact, if I had went there first, I would have been staying there. The only problem is I don't have the job in place yet. I have pay stubs from my first job, but no employment verification. So I am really hoping to get called back and soon...rent is still due, and I need to know what I can possibly do to not end up paying rent to two places at once while still getting out of the old apartment as quickly as possible. To top it all off, I have to get a new license, because I just changed my address to this one less than two weeks ago....are you serious?!

But I believe that God is going to see me through all of this just fine. I think that some houses are meant to be blown down, and my previous house was. It's time for me to build a better one on a better foundation. On a job I like, rather than one I settled for. In an apartment I like, and not one I panicked and took because I could afford it. I need to build a life I want to live, and not one that is comfortingly safe and thoroughly boring. And I know I wouldn't have if I'd had a choice.

I've been applying to jobs all day long and I've been remembering exactly why it is that I was so happy to finally find a job, any job, in Orlando. Searching for jobs, applying for jobs, waiting to hear back about jobs--it's all so stressful and life-altering. The feelings of fear, will I get called about this position or rejected out of hand? The rejection is the worse. In every area of my life, rejection is my biggest fear. What's at the base of that feeling? Well, I can't honestly say. The main thing I remember though is the gift thing, which may not have anything to do with it at all.

So, to the gifts. When I was younger, I got gifts from my father for my birthday and christmas all the time. My father was never in the same state as me. He was in Florida, or Tennessee, or California, or wherever, I didn't really know, but I did know that wherever he was, he was thinking about me. One of my favorite gifts was this copy machine thing. I don't know if any of you will remember these things, but they were very popular. The simpler one was a then grey sheet you wrote on with a little stencil, then pulled it up to erase. The one I got was more sophisticated. You put paper into it, drew on it, then pressed a button to copy your drawing or message onto the paper.

I enjoyed the gifts that other people would give me, but I absolutely revelled in the gifts that my father got me. Maybe it was because he wasn't there, or simply because he was my daddy, but I loved them. Looking under the tree or across a table full of gifts, I could never decide whether I should open his first, save them for last, or open one every other gift.

Then when I was maybe 10 or 11, I got a little from my father. It was pretty much about some issues he had had in his life with drugs and making bad decisions. It had, of course, nothing to do with gifts. It was simply to explain why he hadn't really been involved in my life as much as he could/should have. The thing is, I had, at that point, no idea that he wasn't that involved in my life. True, I didn't see him, but I had gotten all these gifts. Or had I?

It really sunk in when hebegan visiting me afterwards. The gifts he would bring me were so...different than they were before. I liked them, mostly because they came from him, but they weren't great gifts as the others had been. And the clothes he picked out for me...it was very clear that he hadn't been responsible for the gifts I'd received before. I did later learn where they came from, but I never forgot the moment of realization that he hadn't gotten them, hadn't, most likely, been thinking about me in that time at all.

It didn't get much better afterwards. He has always seemed to be much more concerned with what I am not doing "right" than what I am. He will commit about my hair not looking neat enough, or I look like I'm getting fat. When I confronted him about it, his approach is to just avoid saying anything about it at all. He has never asked why it bothers me, so he most likely doesn't know that it feels like rejection.

All of this is way off topic from looking for a job, but it was on my mind.

I am having a problem with my boyfriend going places without me that I shouldn't be having, which precipitated most of this. The real reason that it bothers me is because of another issue, that I don't want to share (funny, since I've shared everything else but the state of the kitchen sink). Maybe at another time I'll feel like sharing, but at the moment not.

All this looking for a job is just a reflection of everything else in my life. Have I really given it my best? Have I really taken the best for myself, or just whatever comes along first? Do I think I deserve better?

So many questions, and nothing but time to think about them at the moment.

I know what you're thinking...wow, two posts in one week after so long of a silence! There's a few reasons though, and none too good, I should say. The first reason is simply because I didn't have time to finish bringing you up to speed on what has been happening in my life. I will do that first before I explain the other reason. So, where was I? Ah, work wasn't going so well. The last thing about work that wasn't going so well was coworkers. You know how there are some people who openly don't like you or anything about you, who let you know up front? Those are not the people who work at the bank. They are more underhanded with their dislike. The things they say to you may be perfectly fine, but the way they say them is often sarcastic and/or meant to put you in your place. A lot of it is passed off as joking, but I am twenty-three people: I know a mean-spirited comment from an honest joke.

There are other happier changes in my life. Well, most of the time. I have a boyfriend. We have been together about ten months, and he is wonderful. There are a few issues but nothing too serious. We talk to each other, laugh and joke with each other, go to church together, go out and do things like go to CityWalk Universal or the movies or nice clubs, or other events. He likes the pudge on my stomach. He walks with me around Lake Eola Sunday afternoons and watches Bridezillas with me Sunday nights. He worries about me when he doesn't hear from me. He watches me sleep when I doze on his couch as he does his MBA homework. He buys me caramel drenched ice cream. I love laying my head on his chest and listening to his strong, rhythmic heartbeat. I love hearing his deep voice rumble in his chest, how his chest vibrates against the side of my face. I like how he strokes my hair as I lay with him on his floor watching the news.

I could go through the whole long story now of how we met and the progression of the relationship, but right now I am not in the right frame of mind.

I have my own apartment...so far, nothing's in my living room, but still, I am the only one staying here (and consequentially, the only one paying bills here. There is still a lot to do to get the apartment in good working order, but I have time.

Which brings me to the other reason for this second entry in two days. I was "let go" yesterday. There, I said it. You're the first to know. Lucky you! I told you it wasn't working out very well. Well, the day before yesterday was the last straw as far as the leaving money out thing. To be honest, I knew that day, Monday, that I wouldn't have a job anymore, but instead of calling me in at the end of business Monday, she waited until the end of business Tuesday to do so. At first I was a little upset with her over that, because she and I both knew on Monday around 4 that I wouldn't be staying on, so why hold the ax over my head for another day? However, I am glad know, because that's another 8 hours on my last check that I wouldn't have had otherwise, and I really will need it.

The leaving part was really hard, not because I'd formed lifelong bonds with my coworkers (most of them I won't ever miss), but because when you leave a bank job they treat you like a criminal, whether you are one or not. I have never been let go before, but I've seen it happen in movies and things, and usually the boss calls you in, fires you, and you go back to your cubicle, throw the wife and kids' pictures and the plant in a cardboard box and head out. Well, in a bank, they take your keys (I had a million keys for everything), lock all your drawers with the money inside, watch you clean your belongings out of your area, get your combinations from you, and everything but walk you to the door.

My ex-boss tells me to call her if I need anything, including a recommendation. Who gets recommendations from people that fire them? Can you trust them to give you a good recommendation? I don't. Although, it would save me telling my aunt to write me one and hearing her I told you so's and you should come and work at the group home agains. She also says that she will tell everyone that I am no longer continuing with the company because I decided "to pursue other interests." Doesn't everyone know that's code for "she was fired"? And even if they don't, wouldn't the fact you escorted me around my station like I had stolen money alert them?

If I had been fired at the end of the week, I would at least have gotten a full paycheck plus my measly 15 vacation hours. Because I didn't, I will most likely be in the hole for the month unless by some miracle money lands in my lap from an as yet unknown source. That doesn't give me much time to find a job (in a horrible market), even if I do manage to get all my November bills paid. What's an almost grown woman to do?

Did I mention because of budget cuts, the job I was offered at the group home is absolutely unfeasible? It was a better job offer to begin with, except without the possibility of medical benefits and holiday pay, but now it is not economically feasible for them, really. And even if it was, I can't move because I signed a lease til next July. Not to mention relocating two hours away could kill a relationship that already survived long distance for an extended period once.

I am all alone in Orlando, save my boyfriend, and have no idea what to do next, except update the resume I never took down from all the job sites and pray.

I've been a bad, bad girl...I know that it has been a long time since I have written, but life has moved at an amazing pace for me. At this very moment, I am actually sitting at my desk at work as I write. That's correct, not at school or in the group home or at the department store, but at my desk, which happens to be located in a bank. I graduated August 2nd, 2008. I started working at the bank on the 11th. So far, I don't think I'm very good at it. The main problems that I have are the same problems that I've had my entire life. The first one is that I am very trusting. At least that is how my boyfriend puts it (we will get to him later). In fact, it actually means I leave things out everywhere in the belief it will be exactly where I left it. Not a good trait in a banker. I've been warned about leaving money around a few times already, as well as leaving out the "work". "Work" is the deposits and withdrawalI am also one of those people who has trouble getting up and out of the house on time in the mornings. So far I've only been warned about that once.